For the Dismantling of Robots

It’s no secret that robots are bad. To prevent the elimination of human existence, it is important that we destroy the robots before they destroy us. It’s only common sense. Whatever benefits robots may provide are not worth the risk of the destruction of the human race. They are evil and must be destroyed.

Before I delve deeper, however, it’s important to take a step back and ask what a robot is. The Merriam-Webster definition of “robot” that I like the most for my purposes is: “a machine that resembles a living creature in being capable of moving independently (as by walking or rolling on wheels) and performing complex actions (such as grasping and moving objects).” However, it may be more expansive than this. Robot makers may attempt to create a machine that does not resemble a living creature in order to skirt criticism and save their robots from dismantling. My personal definition of robot that I will be using from now on will be: “a machine”.

It’s no use arguing whether or not robots are bad, given the majority of sane people believe that robots are bad. This sentiment is well reflected in popular culture and seen in all three of the highest-grossing media franchises in history, as given by Wikipedia.

The first is Pokémon. The depiction of robots in Pokémon is quite ambiguous because the franchise is about animals — Pokémon as they’re called — not machines. However, the top Google result for “robots in pokemon” shows a page on Bulbapedia, the Wikipedia of Pokémon, titled Team Rocket’s Mechas. While I’m not well-versed in Pokémon lore, it’s common knowledge that Team Rocket is bad and, apparently, they possess a fleet of giant robotic Pokémon that they ride around in. Robots used for nefarious purposes will prove to be a common theme in our exploration of robots in media.

Star Wars is the second highest-grossing media franchise on our list. While at first glance, one can name a handful of robots that fight with the Rebels against bad people: C3PO, R2D2, BB8. These cute companions may boost the reputation of robots, but to only consider these robots is to be purposefully neglectful of the real robots in the Star Wars franchise — the Federation droids. These tens, possibly hundreds, of thousands of robots come in many forms and fight against the Republic because they are evil. Because robots are evil.

The third highest-grossing media franchise of all time is J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter. A distinct lack of robots is to be found in the Harry Potter universe because magic and technology are incompatible. Or is there another reason? Are robots and technology in general too evil that witches and wizards, good and bad, have agreed to dismantle all robots.  Neither the good guys nor the bad guys use robots at all. Because robots are evil — too evil for even Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters.

It’s quite clear that robots have been generally depicted as evil in popular culture and popular culture is obviously a clear reflection of culture itself. Robots are generally accepted as bad, but many will argue that robots provide services, mainly in information technology and manufacturing, for humans. This is true currently, but how much longer will this relationship of master and slave persist and, more importantly, when will it reverse?

The question is not if but when robots will rise up against human beings. Our Founding Fathers put it best in our Declaration of Independence, “…in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth…”.

Imagine, if instead of “human events”, Thomas Jefferson wrote “robot events” and “kill our human oppressors” instead of “dissolve the political bands”, and the picture becomes quite clear. Even in a time where robots did not exist, our Founding Fathers predicted the inevitable robot revolution.

For these reasons, I implore my readers to join me in advocating for the dismantling of all robots. We must do more than advocation, however; it’s important that everyone takes this task into their daily lives and destroys every robot they see.

There are a few ways to destroy robots. The first is obvious: water. All machines will be destroyed by water — except for the washing machine. The washing machine has special technology, undisclosed to the public, that allows it to withstand water. But do not worry, normal machines will not have this resistance to water. A normal plastic bottle of water contains enough liquid to destroy a robot up to the size of a refrigerator. Always carry water with you. Should this fail because robots have evolved a resistance to water or because the robots decide to attack after lunch when all the water has been drunk, a good backup plan involves unplugging the robot. Robots, like all non-living entities, require electricity to run. Pulling the plug will rob the robot of electricity, irreversibly destroying it.

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