I was going to start this with a synopsis of what I recall to be my first exposure to Keys to City: childhood cartoons, more specifically, a Fairly OddParents episode where the mayor grants Timmy a Key to the City of Dimmesdale. DuckDuckGoing it, I found an extremely helpful list of episodes and their synopses … Continue reading I must find a Key to the City.

My watch only reads 11:46 pm but I'm ready. I'm in my chair. My laptop is on and plugged in. My airpods are connected; I made sure because sometimes they're not and the audio blasts out of speakers instead. I agonize over when to join the call — I've always had anxiety over being late. … Continue reading Why is the right faucet handle always for cold water? (Part 2)

It's a wild time in the world of breakfast cereal, though admittedly I've only started following the cereal news this month — fourteen days ago, to be more specific, when I received this picture with the caption: "New cereal dropped" Apple Jacks is new to Australia, apparently. It's never occurred to me that cereal could … Continue reading In which I get really into cereal for a short while but now I’m over it, I think.

Seven months ago, I'd captured lightning in a bottle with my passion-fueled rant at the death and reincarnation of Mr. Peanut. It was met with critical acclaim and I'll never be able to recreate the success that I achieved nor the intensity of emotions I felt on that day. Despite this, in the past few … Continue reading When was Peanut Jr. born?

I have seen a son of Jesse of Bethlehem who knows how to play the lyre. He is a brave man and a warrior. He speaks well and is a fine-looking man. And the Lord is with him.1 Samuel 16:18 (New International Version) David Watkins-Valls doesn't play the lyre, but he speaks well and is a … Continue reading A Directory of Daves

The Interstate 5 runs along the entire West Coast, connecting California, Oregon, and Washington, from Mexico to Canada, but I only care about the flat, straight piece of asphalt that I drove through for six hours this week, stretching along the length of the Central Valley. One could describe the scenery around that piece of … Continue reading If birds have legs, why don’t planes?

Dinosaurs, alongside volcanoes, animals, and The Magic Treehouse, are one of the things that I know less about now than I did in elementary school. So, let's catch up on dinosaur news together. I guess I should start by establishing my current knowledge about dinosaurs. I know that they were big reptiles that went extinct … Continue reading What’s up with dinosaurs?

It’s been nearly a week now and I’ve been thinking, writing, and dreaming about only one thing. Last Friday, I saw the moon in the afternoon and, if we’re being honest, it really threw me off. It’s not that I’ve gone twenty-something years on this planet without knowing that the moon is sometimes visible during … Continue reading I don’t like that you can see the moon during the day.

I am not sad about the death of these barbers. I’m a mature, rational adult: I know that these barbers were never alive in the first place and their death means nothing, but I feel something. What is death if you were never alive? I brought 320,000 virtual barbers into this world for a simulation … Continue reading A Eulogy for 320,000 Barbers

Literally translated, Semper Vigilans means “ever vigilant”; figuratively translated, it means pretty much the same thing. San Diego, California, renowned for its miles of sandy beaches, perpetually sunny weather, and status as the first U.S. city to announce plans for the installation of cyber-controlled street lighting, has adopted this motto. Semper Vigilans conjures up dystopian images of a … Continue reading Why is “Semper Vigilans” the motto of San Diego?