Seven months ago, I'd captured lightning in a bottle with my passion-fueled rant at the death and reincarnation of Mr. Peanut. It was met with critical acclaim and I'll never be able to recreate the success that I achieved nor the intensity of emotions I felt on that day. Despite this, in the past few … Continue reading When was Peanut Jr. born?

I have seen a son of Jesse of Bethlehem who knows how to play the lyre. He is a brave man and a warrior. He speaks well and is a fine-looking man. And the Lord is with him.1 Samuel 16:18 (New International Version) David Watkins-Valls doesn't play the lyre, but he speaks well and is a … Continue reading A Directory of Daves

The Interstate 5 runs along the entire West Coast, connecting California, Oregon, and Washington, from Mexico to Canada, but I only care about the flat, straight piece of asphalt that I drove through for six hours this week, stretching along the length of the Central Valley. One could describe the scenery around that piece of … Continue reading If birds have legs, why don’t planes?

Dinosaurs, alongside volcanoes, animals, and The Magic Treehouse, are one of the things that I know less about now than I did in elementary school. So, let's catch up on dinosaur news together. I guess I should start by establishing my current knowledge about dinosaurs. I know that they were big reptiles that went extinct … Continue reading What’s up with dinosaurs?

It’s been nearly a week now and I’ve been thinking, writing, and dreaming about only one thing. Last Friday, I saw the moon in the afternoon and, if we’re being honest, it really threw me off. It’s not that I’ve gone twenty-something years on this planet without knowing that the moon is sometimes visible during … Continue reading I don’t like that you can see the moon during the day.

I am not sad about the death of these barbers. I’m a mature, rational adult: I know that these barbers were never alive in the first place and their death means nothing, but I feel something. What is death if you were never alive? I brought 320,000 virtual barbers into this world for a simulation … Continue reading A Eulogy for 320,000 Barbers

Literally translated, Semper Vigilans means “ever vigilant”; figuratively translated, it means pretty much the same thing. San Diego, California, renowned for its miles of sandy beaches, perpetually sunny weather, and status as the first U.S. city to announce plans for the installation of cyber-controlled street lighting, has adopted this motto. Semper Vigilans conjures up dystopian images of a … Continue reading Why is “Semper Vigilans” the motto of San Diego?

“The McRib is Back”, the side of the bus screams at me. This isn’t the bus I’m waiting for -- this one goes to Old Town; I need to get home -- but I welcome it anyways. It’s the bearer of good news. “Did you know the McRib is back?”, I ask Peter when I … Continue reading It doesn’t matter whether or not the McRib is back.

Americans have already started to decide on who will lead our nation in the following years. We have our pick from the field of candidates for the Democratic nomination, all proposing progressive policies and reform that push to make the United States a more equitable country. Running for reelection, we also have President Donald Trump, … Continue reading President R19 Boddie is the Republicans’ Best Choice for President

The events of the past month have been monumental and will mark a turning point in the history of the free world; we have crossed the rubicon toward a new society rife with distrust and propaganda. I am referring not to the exit of United Kingdom from the European Union nor to the inevitable acquittal … Continue reading Baby Nut cannot be the reincarnation of Mr. Peanut.